Guys, I am an ugly crier. My face gets all red, my lips and eyes swell to the size of Texas, my nose gets sniffly. It's not cute. It's exhausting. I've always envied the gals in the movies at somehow look glamorous while crying. Seriously, what kind of sorcery is that?!
Over the years, I have worked hard at making my breakdowns few. When they do happen, I've always made sure that it happened in private. Alone, by myself; for no one to see my face turn into a misshapen, wet tomato.
In my transition to life in LeMars and Side By Side Ministries, my comfort zone has been stretched beyond what I can even begin to fathom. Guys, it hasn't even been three weeks yet. And guess what? I have cried every. single. day. Even better? These episodes have almost always happened in front of people. My tears have been a mash-up of frustration induced sobbing, what-the-heck-have-I-gotten-myself-into weeping, loss of control grieving, humility boo-hoo's, and of course, joy-filled and awe-struck bawling.
For so many years I have been the go-to-gal when it came to ministries I worked with. I've always been the one with all of the answers and the one who knew what was going on. I built myself a pretty high pedestal and named it 'leadership'. My 'leadership qualities' consisted of organization, control, and bossiness. For a long time I've been pretty hung on my own self; worrying about MY time, MY life, MY job, and MY way of doing things. But who was I to believe I was so great? On my first day down here I had a pretty big reality check. I needed a real big piece of humble pie. It was time for me to step down, confess to my confusion, speak with nothing but kindness, surrender control, and admit that maybe, just maybe, I don't know everything.
Like I said, folks. It hasn't even been three weeks. The Lord has done more changing in my heart in less than a month than I thought would be possible in even a year's time. This journey has proven to be really tough so far, and I know this is just the beginning. It is lonely and challenging, but it is incredible. I am so beautifully in over my head and I wouldn't change it for the world. Ugly-crying and all.
Hey Gracia :) I can totally relate to your situation! I spontaneously moved to Iowa while bringing my sister to Dordt, and something inside me said, "Hey, I know its your Junior year, but you should transfer." And...so I did - that weekend! I spent 2 weeks straight spiratically crying and feeling completely out of control! I couldn't put it in words, but I felt like God wanted me there. I felt so out of my comfort zone, yet like I was exactly where I needed to be. My Junior year was probably the hardest year of my entire life, and looking back now - 5 years later - God knew exactly what He was doing. I had a lot of stuff going on with my family and inside myself, that needed a lot of Jesus. This was just the first step of God molding me into the woman He created me to be. I trusted His plans when I didn't understand, and followed where I felt He was leading me. Hind sight is always 20-20, and looking back there's no way I'd be who I am today if it weren't for following His nudge through an open door.
ReplyDeleteYou will look back on all this in a year and be amazed at who you have become, and smile at all the ways God is going to answer your prayers (Ps. 37:4). I hope you can find peace knowing the transition right now is overwhelming, but it will get better :) I hope that you will feel empowered with your new independence, and enjoy learning new things at your job. And finally I hope that you will find comfort knowing your future might be a crazy ride, with moments of ugly-crying, but God has you under the faithful shadow of His wings (Psalms 91:4). Love you Gracia!