Guys, I am an ugly crier. My face gets all red, my lips and eyes swell to the size of Texas, my nose gets sniffly. It's not cute. It's exhausting. I've always envied the gals in the movies at somehow look glamorous while crying. Seriously, what kind of sorcery is that?!
Over the years, I have worked hard at making my breakdowns few. When they do happen, I've always made sure that it happened in private. Alone, by myself; for no one to see my face turn into a misshapen, wet tomato.
In my transition to life in LeMars and Side By Side Ministries, my comfort zone has been stretched beyond what I can even begin to fathom. Guys, it hasn't even been three weeks yet. And guess what? I have cried every. single. day. Even better? These episodes have almost always happened in front of people. My tears have been a mash-up of frustration induced sobbing, what-the-heck-have-I-gotten-myself-into weeping, loss of control grieving, humility boo-hoo's, and of course, joy-filled and awe-struck bawling.
For so many years I have been the go-to-gal when it came to ministries I worked with. I've always been the one with all of the answers and the one who knew what was going on. I built myself a pretty high pedestal and named it 'leadership'. My 'leadership qualities' consisted of organization, control, and bossiness. For a long time I've been pretty hung on my own self; worrying about MY time, MY life, MY job, and MY way of doing things. But who was I to believe I was so great? On my first day down here I had a pretty big reality check. I needed a real big piece of humble pie. It was time for me to step down, confess to my confusion, speak with nothing but kindness, surrender control, and admit that maybe, just maybe, I don't know everything.
Like I said, folks. It hasn't even been three weeks. The Lord has done more changing in my heart in less than a month than I thought would be possible in even a year's time. This journey has proven to be really tough so far, and I know this is just the beginning. It is lonely and challenging, but it is incredible. I am so beautifully in over my head and I wouldn't change it for the world. Ugly-crying and all.
