habits

They say it takes about 21 days to form a habit. 

"We are what we repeatedly do", Aristotle has said. 

Alright, so what happens if we do things for years on end? You'd assume some things just become second nature, yes? Well, that is correct. 

I'm sure you're thinking, 'Graish, where the heck are ya going with this?' Well, follow me into the events of this past month..

Friday, March 13, 2015 - I met with my neurologist that morning and by 1:00 pm I was getting sudden steroid injections into my greater occipital nerves in the back of my head.

Friday, March 20, 2015 - 'I should have started to feel better days ago', I thought. I then began running a low-grade fever for the next few days.

Monday, March 23, 2015 - I went to see my primary doctor. The injection sites were infected. Fun fact (it's actually not so fun) : they've never seen these get infected before. Ever. I started on antibiotics.

Thursday, March 26, 2015 - Again, I thought, 'The antibiotics should really be helping by now. I'm only feeling worse.' I called the clinic to ask about it, they called back immediately saying the doctor needed to see me asap. The conclusion was that I needed to be on stronger antibiotics. 

Monday, March 30, 2015 - I was working and couldn't be on my phone much that morning, so my mom was in contact with the doctors. Between a couple of my primary doctors & a few of my specialists up in Sioux Falls, they decided that this is probably not a good thing. To put it lightly, they kind of freaked out. I got a call at work saying I needed to get to the hospital ASAP to see my doctor and have some tests done. After an afternoon of needles, big machines, and the ever so dreaded 'sympathy look' from a majority of my nurses, I was told it was either some form of meningitis (inflammation of the spinal cord) or encephalitis (inflammation of the brain.) 

--pause--

I'm sure you're still wondering what this has to do with forming habits.. Hold on, folks. I'm gettin' there. 

--play--

So, at this point, I was still really oblivious to it all. I remember sitting in that room with my doctor, unable to move my neck or even form proper sentences at that point, saying 'I don't know, maybe I'm just coming down with a bad case of the flu.' I was completely numb as to what was actually happening. You see, this is my long-time habit. It is not a good habit. I've noticed bits and pieces of it over the years, but it never really hit me until now. 

I numb myself to my pain until it gets me in trouble. 

That Monday night, I still didn't believe that there was something really seriously wrong with me. So, naturally, I went to Target. Nothing a little retail therapy can't fix, huh? That's when it happened. That's when it hit me. At 9:47 pm my phone rang. I looked down to see a cell phone number with a tiny little 'Rock Valley, IA' under it. I didn't think much of it until I answered. 

It was my doctor, calling on his personal cell phone. Only to tell me that they hadn't figured it out yet, but they were going to work on it until they did. 

That's what hit me. The fact that he was still at the hospital working on this, not at home with his family. The fact that he called me himself, and didn't bother to have one of his nurses call me. That is what hit me. This was serious. 

I got a call a couple days later confirming that it was encephalitis. The cool thing is, after about 10 days on a couple different meds, I should be fine. We're just really thankful that they caught it in time and that there isn't going to be any lasting effects. I'm still very exhausted and will be for a while, but I'm doing better.

- 

I know I'm going to get some feedback saying 'Why didn't you tell me this was going on?!' You see, if I didn't tell very many people, then, in my head, it wouldn't be as real. I wasn't planning on making this whole thing very public, but maybe my pain and vulnerability might just be someone's gain. 

Hear my heart: 

For countless years, I have lived in a little cocoon of deliberate numbness. In this place, I can control the things I feel both physically and emotionally. I can't get hurt, because no one else is going to be let in. I had tricked myself into thinking that it was 'peaceful', in a sense, to be completely and utterly alone. This was a very cold, dark place, but it was easy.

You see, it is a strange feeling, being kicked out of the place I once saw as my safe place. Kicked into a world of sickness, a world of unknowns, and a world full of things that I have absolutely no way of controlling. A world of surrender. It is a strange feeling, but it is a free feeling. Because yes, this world is full of real pain and real heartache, but it is also full of real happiness, real love, and real joy. 

My habit is making myself numb. It has taken me years to perfect this habit. But today I think that maybe, just maybe, that's it's time to break that habit & create a new habit of joy & vulnerability, yes? Today I claim that numbness, sadness, darkness; they have no hold on me! The JOY of the LORD is my strength.

Friends, are you with me? For the next 21 days, I challenge you to form a new habit. Whatever you want. Is it something you know you need but are too stubborn to face it, like me? Is it something as simple as going to the gym daily? You decide. Let's go on this adventure together. 

xoxo,

gp