I am weak.

[II Corinthians 12:9-10]

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

On my blog, I like to post about the good things happening in my life. Opening up about the lows has never something I've been a fan of, but vulnerability is good every once in a while, yes? With that being said, it has been a really tough past two weeks, friends.

Before I go into what's been going on, let me give you a little bit of background of how things have led up to until now: 

I have suffered with multiple chronic illnesses for many years now. In the past 5 years things have gotten so severe that it caused me to basically be on bedrest for months at a time, therefore causing me to drop out of school. This led to way too much time to myself to think. To put it lightly, 'rock bottom' was my resting place for a long time. But through it all, and still to this day, I believe that, yes, I lost SO many things and any hint of normalcy in my life, but I gained one thing; Jesus. I had lost almost everything, but I gained Jesus. Pretty neat, huh? 

A life of pain was all I knew, so much that I couldnt remember what it was to feel 'normal' anymore. That was until about a year ago. Through the work of a steroid injection in the back of my head, essential oils, and God providence, I suddenly felt better than I had in years. I remember I woke up one morning crying thinking, 'Is this what normal people feel like?' Jesus was good to me. I was able to volunteer my time for more things, give more effort in my job, give more of myself in my friendships and relationships, and do the things that made me happy. I mean, I still had a few bad days here and there, but they were miniscule compared to what I had lived with my entire life beforehand. My immune system was also pretty shot because of being sick and stuck in my bed for so long, so I managed to catch every cold or flu bug I came in contact with, but again, that was all so small compared to what I lived with before. 

Because I was feeling so great, I began to give up even more of my time and energy. I accepted a second job, started pouring more of myself into worship leading, and became involved with the Sunday school program at church. My neurologist and other specialists didn't feel the need to see me anymore because I was doing so good. In a sense, I thought I was somewhat super human; I mean, I really did feel like Superman sometimes because it was just unreal to me that I was doing some of the things I was doing. Just 2 years ago I couldn't sit up in bed without passing out, and currently I was spending an hour and a half at the gym every night. UNREAL. It was just more proof of God's mercy in my life.

And then, as I have told a few friends, life kind of just took a crap on me. About two weeks ago, I woke up to a complete nightmare. It was like the past year had never even happened. I was weak, my head felt like it weighed a good 500 pounds, I could hardly even form a sentence. It was back. Everything was back. 

I spent the first couple days furious with God. I mean, seriously? Why now? Why this? Did I do something wrong? I was (and still am) grieving for my health. It was then that something pierced my heart. I lead and/or participate in multiple worship sets throughout the week. One of them being on Friday mornings from 9:30-10:30. In this set I do things a little differently- I only plan on doing one song for the whole hour and then ask the Lord for a passage to sing from. Part of what I do is singing my prayers. Whatever the Lord places on my heart, I sing. Sometimes it doesn't make sense, sometimes I have no idea why the Lord has me sing certain things, but it's just kind of a whatever, go with the flow kind of thing. Anyhoo, for the past month and a half, the Lord has continued to give me the same thing each week. Psalm 69. And each week, I've been given the same phrase. 

"The water is rising, and I am sinking. But You are still God, and You are still good, even now."

The first few weeks I was kind of just like, "What the heck? This has nothing to do with me. My life is going great." But the Lord continued to press that passage and this phrase onto my heart. 

And that's what hit me. I think the Lord was preparing me what what was to come. I since have spent hours sobbing, singing that phrase. My heart is completely wrecked. But He is still good to me. So good.

This past Sunday I went to church with a friend. We went to the new Embrace Church Summit Campus up in Sioux Falls. I expected it to be a good service, whatever. But oh, little did I know that Jesus had something big planned for my heart. The service started off with some awesome worship. The first thing that stuck out to me was in one of the songs. I don't quite remember all of the correct wording, but it went something like this: "In the depths, and in my darkest times, I will still choose You, Jesus." WHAT. So good. Then, the sermon started. Friends, I have never been more convicted in my life. The title was 'I am weak.' Passage was from II Corinthians (see above). Basically, we talked about how even though we're weak, before the Lord we are made strong. And it's not about our abilities or our own strength, but it's about Jesus.

Friends, God healed me a year ago. He was and is still SO good to me. But I am not a robot. I can't do it all. I was in the state of mind that because I felt good, I needed to do EVERYTHING. It was all about my own strength. It wasn't about Him anymore, it was about me; my abilities. And I can't believe it took THIS to make me humble myself. I will GLADLY boast in my weakness, because in Him, I am strong.

I don't know what this means for me. I don't know if this means that I'm 'sick' again, or if this was just a really horrible, random flare up. I have spent hours crying on the phone with my neurologist and her assistant trying to figure out what to do. My head is spinning as I try and process this all. I am sad and I am beyond overwhelmed, but there is a part of me that's at peace. Jesus is FOR ME in this. I am weak, but in Him I am strong. 

Alright, so, I am asking for continued prayers as we sit and wait this out. Is it back for good? Is this just a flare up? What is the Lord going to reveal to me through this? What does this mean for my jobs and the crazy busy lifestyle I was living?

Thanks, friends. And thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and share my sorrow. 

[Psalm 71:14]

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.

xoxo,

gp